After witnessing the massive destruction in Metropolis and aiding in the rescue of some of his employees, billionaire Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) who also fights crime across the bay in Gotham City as Batman, decides measures need to be taken to protect the citizens of Earth from a being who could conceivably destroy it. Alexander “Lex” Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) agrees and uses his considerable power and wealth to gain access to the spaceship that brought General Zod (Michael Shannon) and the other Kryptonians to Earth believing there may be a way to defend against Superman (Henry Cavill) amongst its technology. Lex has also been scouring the sights where other alien technology crashed and has discovered a large glowing green rock of kryptonite. Lex knows it will weaken and possibly kill Superman and so does Batman. Meanwhile, Kentucky Senator June Finch (Holly Hunter) is holding hearings on Superman and his actions, caused by his rescue of Lois Lane (Amy Adams) from an African warlord and the deaths of several innocent villagers. Looking to gain information about Lex and his involvement in criminal activities, Bruce Wayne attends a reception at Lex’s home. While there he runs into Diana Prince (Gal Gadot) who has taken a piece of technology Bruce was using to spy on Lex. With Bruce distrustful of a super powered alien and Lex Luthor plotting and pulling strings in the background, the stage is set for a showdown of massive proportions with the last son of Krypton.

Very few movies have been as highly anticipated as “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.” Ever since it was announced at San Diego Comic Con in 2013, fan boys and the internet clamored for the tiniest nugget of news, set photos and fuzzy cell phone footage. The film, the kickoff of DC /Warner Bros. Pictures extended movie universe, was obviously an attempt to cash in on the comic book movie craze started by Marvel/Disney. However, instead of introducing one character at a time in their own stand-alone movies like Marvel/Disney did, DC/Warner Bros. decided to give us three of the heaviest hitters in their line up in one movie: Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. These characters and the story of the movie are meant to set up 10 or more films featuring Aquaman, Cyborg, Flash, Green Lantern and Shazam along with the super team of Justice League. I expected tons of CG special effects, explosions, destruction and the titular fight between Batman and Superman; but what I didn’t expect was such a plodding, tedious, convoluted and largely ineffective goulash of a movie.

While there isn’t much that’s good about “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice,” I will start with what I liked. All the worries about Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne/Batman were unfounded. Affleck handles the dual role as well as a script this bad can allow. Affleck treats both Bruce and the Bat as individuals. His performance is nuanced in a way that creates a clear division between the two even when Bruce is doing some detecting and Batman is trying to be caring and compassionate in a scene near the film’s end. Affleck may not have been everyone’s choice when his casting was announced (myself included) but he shows he’s worthy of the cape and cowl.

Gal Gadot’s casting as Wonder Woman also received a fair amount of fanboy hate; however, she also is very good. Able to be sultry as Diana Prince and a kickass warrior as Wonder Woman, Gadot’s performance should silence most of her critics. While she doesn’t have that much screen time as either character she makes quite an impression nonetheless.

Not everyone comes off as well as Affleck and Gadot as Jesse Eisenberg makes some odd and unfortunate choices in his performance as Lex Luthor. Eisenberg, either by choice or direction, turns Lex into something of a rambling madman. He gives a nearly incoherent toast at a fundraiser held at his home that sounded like he was having a mental breakdown or a stroke. His interactions with people are filled with odd and inappropriate gestures, such as putting a piece of candy in a senator’s mouth. Lex is super intelligent and obscenely wealthy but he has some serious daddy issues and a wildly inflated sense of self-importance. All these things go into making an interesting super villain but the external choices made in playing the role turn Lex into mostly a distraction rather than a threat.

Henry Cavill continues to play Clark Kent/Superman as seriously as he did in “Man of Steel.” His role in this film is nearly relegated to that of supporting player as the movie focuses primarily on Batman. Cavill is a perfect physical choice to play Superman. He may not be the best actor but he certainly has the face and body for the role. Cavill and Amy Adams still share absolutely no chemistry as a romantic couple. Their one scene where they are supposed to be playful together in a bathtub is rather uncomfortable to watch. Adams sometimes looks like she isn’t sure what to do despite her role largely being limited to either that of a supportive or concerned girlfriend to an alien.

The rest of the cast does as well as can be expected with the only standout being Jeremy Irons as Alfred. Irons manages to be a voice of reason and snark to Bruce Wayne. While Bruce usually ignores Alfred’s advice Irons delivers his lines with both a sense of concern and thoughtfulness.

The story of “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” is extraordinarily complicated. What it boils down to is Batman doesn’t trust Superman, Lex doesn’t like either of them so he plots to insure they battle and kill each other. That simple plan gets rolled up into congressional hearings, human trafficking, African terrorists, Russian mobsters, alien monsters and more. Wading through the labyrinthine plot will test the attention and endurance of most moviegoers. The jumpy editing doesn’t help make the story any more coherent. Scenes start and end abruptly with sudden changes of location, tone and character. It makes it so the audience is getting yanked in multiple directions for no apparent reason. It all combines to turn what should have been a fun and exciting movie into a torture test that takes childhood memories of our heroes and grinds them into dust.

“Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action throughout, and some sensuality. There are numerous fights of various types throughout the film. Some are more violent and graphic than others. Guns and knives are uses and we see people shot and stabbed but there is no blood or gore. We see Superman use his heat vision to kill people in a dream sequence but that is also not graphic. One character is shown being impaled through the chest. The bathtub scene is the sensuality of the film although Gal Gadot does wear some revealing dresses as Diana Prince. Foul language amounts to two instances that I remember and both are mild.

I generally base my reviews on how entertaining I found the film. In this instance, I am tying my level of entertainment to a bodily function that I will keep as clinical as possible. When I saw “The Dark Knight” with a running time of two hours and 32 minutes I needed to go relieve myself pretty urgently by the end but wasn’t in any hurry for the movie to be over because I loved it so much. When I saw “The Avengers” in 2012 it clocked in at two hours and 23 minutes and by the end I had a full bladder. While I could feel the need to go to the bathroom, I didn’t care as I was mesmerized by what I saw on screen and didn’t want it to end. By the end of “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” my bladder was again full but I was more than grateful for the film to be over so I could take care of business. If a film can’t take my mind off the need to go to the bathroom then it doesn’t have my attention and it hasn’t been entertaining. It may be a crude method of determining the quality of a movie but it is rather accurate.

“Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” gets one star.

This week there is only one new film in wide release so a couple of art house movies are on the radar. I’ll see and review at least one of these:

God’s Not Dead 2—

Hello, My Name is Doris—

Knight of Cups—

Follow me on Twitter @moviemanstan and send emails to stanthemovieman@comcast.net.