An elite team of lifeguards called Baywatch keeps an eye on the beach and water of Emerald Bay. Their leader Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) has over 500 rescues in his career. Along with C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach) and second-in-command Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera), Mitch and his team keep the swimmers and boaters safe. Tryouts for new team members are held and making the cut as a trainee are Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass). Also joining the trainees is two-time Olympic gold medal swimmer Matt Brody (Zac Efron). Brody is a showboat and hothead that is on the team as part of his probation for a previous crime. Mitch wants him gone but his boss Captain Thorpe (Rob Huebel) wants Brody to stay as a way to generate some positive PR so the city council doesn’t cut their funding. While jogging on the beach, Mitch finds a packet of illegal drugs washed up on shore in front of the exclusive Huntley Club run by Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra). Behind the scenes, Leeds is buying up all the shoreline property and bribing the city council to support her efforts to make all beachfront private. She even goes so far as to have her thugs kill a city councilman that threatens to expose her plot. Her plan includes disposing of his body at sea on board a burning yacht but Mitch and the crew gets a distress call and manages to rescue two women from the boat as well as the body of the councilman. Suspicious of the circumstances, Mitch begins an investigation into the death and the drugs, thinking they are connected. This angers local police officer Sgt. Ellerbee (Yahya Abdul-Mateen, II) as well as Thorpe since Mitch and his crew aren’t cops. Brody also doesn’t think they should get involved creating tension within the team. Can they pull together and stop the privatization of their beautiful public beach?

The original “Baywatch” TV show was a massive hunk of 1990’s cheese with a big side of T and A. While cancelled after its first season on NBC, the show found its way around the world in first-run syndication and became one of the most watched shows in history. Star David Hasselhoff expanded his stardom outside of Germany and became a household name along with Pamela Anderson, Nicole Eggert, Alexandra Paul, Yasmine Bleeth and more. No matter how silly or trite the plot might be, people tuned in for a decade to keep up with the adventures of Mitch and his crew, especially to see the lady lifeguards running in slow motion. The popularity of “Baywatch” (like most things) faded and the show died a slow death after two seasons relocated and renamed “Baywatch Hawaii.” It has rested easy in its video grave for 16 years but much like Dracula has been brought back to life by Dwayne Johnson and his lifeguards for a new generation in “Baywatch.” Much like Dracula, we’d all be better off if had stayed in its grave.

“Baywatch” is very pretty to look at. Everyone on screen, with one exception, is a hard-bodied stud or a well-built beauty. Clothing is perfectly fitted and as small as possible most of the time. Male abs and pecs are on display for well over half the film. Tans are deep and perfectly even. Women’s breasts are squeezed together so they yell “Look at ME!” in swimsuits and evening wear. If the writers had worked half as hard at the story and script as the costumers did there might be a pretty good movie here. Sadly what we have is a few laughs that require slogging through a stupid story that probably would have been rejected from the writers of the TV show.

The very likable and enjoyable cast of “Baywatch” is totally wasted by the numerous hoops the ridiculous story makes them jump through. One particularly painful scene (of many) finds Johnson and Efron handling the genitals of a dead man. This scene runs for a very long time and as distasteful as it might sound from the description it’s even worse to watch. Another groaner involves Jon Bass’ Ronnie being asked to create a distraction by doing a dance that looks more like a seizure as a distraction for Priyanka Chopra’s villain. I suppose they thought it would be funny because the slightly overweight guy would look silly doing a sexy dance for the international beauty. HAHA get it? He’s overweight so he’s got to be the funny guy that sacrifices his dignity for some laughs. I truly felt sorry for Bass for having to do the scene.

Despite this particular scene, Bass acquits himself well in a thankless role as the comedic relief in what is supposed to be a comedy. His inability to speak to C.J. in an early scene is very funny. His dignity is once again sacrificed when his twig and berries get stuck in the slats of a beach lounger and C.J. and Mitch try to free him. While this is also a cringe worthy bit, it is actually written pretty well and has some decent laughs.

Priyanka Chopra deserved a better written role. Her character oozes civility when she’s playing nice with the locals but the claws come out when she’s pushed in a very stereotypical depiction of a female villain. Maybe the film was trying to go for some kind of 90’s retro vibe in how it depicted the character but it actually just wasted a very good actress in a poorly written part.

Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron are clearly working as hard as they can to wring some life out of the script but only manage make themselves look pretty good. Johnson is a bright beacon of fair in a storm of awful. Efron plays the thoroughly unlikeable Brody as well as can be expected considering the script. His redemption doesn’t feel authentic (like most of the rest of the movie) but he does the best he can.

The best part of the film is the opening 20 minutes as we get introduced to the characters. Most of the good writing apparently was done for this section. The dialog is fairly snappy and most of the jokes work. It doesn’t waste any time and delivers on what the trailer suggested might happen: The audience would laugh. Once the story (such as it is) gets into full gear it is pretty much downhill from there.

“Baywatch” is rated R for language throughout, crude sexual content, and graphic nudity. There are various dirty jokes in the film. Fairly typical stuff you’ve seen before. Aside from the aforementioned dead guy genital handling we see a man’s erection standing up in his swimsuit. We also see his erection and testicles also through his swimsuit. There is also a small amount of gore including a victim of a shark bite and an arm blown off in an explosion. Foul language is common throughout.

Original “Baywatch” cast members David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson make very brief cameos in the film. If you truly love the original show this might be a reason to see the film. For everyone else there’s no need as the movie “Baywatch” is a spliced together mess that is not worth your time or money. Save your cash for an actual beach trip where you’ll likely have more fun than seeing this movie.

“Baywatch” gets two stars out of five.

This week a couple of precocious kids create a superhero while a DC Comics legend finally gets her own film. I’ll see and review at least one of the following:

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie—

Wonder Woman—

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