Review of “Baywatch”

An elite team of lifeguards called Baywatch keeps an eye on the beach and water of Emerald Bay. Their leader Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) has over 500 rescues in his career. Along with C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach) and second-in-command Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera), Mitch and his team keep the swimmers and boaters safe. Tryouts for new team members are held and making the cut as a trainee are Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass). Also joining the trainees is two-time Olympic gold medal swimmer Matt Brody (Zac Efron). Brody is a showboat and hothead that is on the team as part of his probation for a previous crime. Mitch wants him gone but his boss Captain Thorpe (Rob Huebel) wants Brody to stay as a way to generate some positive PR so the city council doesn’t cut their funding. While jogging on the beach, Mitch finds a packet of illegal drugs washed up on shore in front of the exclusive Huntley Club run by Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra). Behind the scenes, Leeds is buying up all the shoreline property and bribing the city council to support her efforts to make all beachfront private. She even goes so far as to have her thugs kill a city councilman that threatens to expose her plot. Her plan includes disposing of his body at sea on board a burning yacht but Mitch and the crew gets a distress call and manages to rescue two women from the boat as well as the body of the councilman. Suspicious of the circumstances, Mitch begins an investigation into the death and the drugs, thinking they are connected. This angers local police officer Sgt. Ellerbee (Yahya Abdul-Mateen, II) as well as Thorpe since Mitch and his crew aren’t cops. Brody also doesn’t think they should get involved creating tension within the team. Can they pull together and stop the privatization of their beautiful public beach?

The original “Baywatch” TV show was a massive hunk of 1990’s cheese with a big side of T and A. While cancelled after its first season on NBC, the show found its way around the world in first-run syndication and became one of the most watched shows in history. Star David Hasselhoff expanded his stardom outside of Germany and became a household name along with Pamela Anderson, Nicole Eggert, Alexandra Paul, Yasmine Bleeth and more. No matter how silly or trite the plot might be, people tuned in for a decade to keep up with the adventures of Mitch and his crew, especially to see the lady lifeguards running in slow motion. The popularity of “Baywatch” (like most things) faded and the show died a slow death after two seasons relocated and renamed “Baywatch Hawaii.” It has rested easy in its video grave for 16 years but much like Dracula has been brought back to life by Dwayne Johnson and his lifeguards for a new generation in “Baywatch.” Much like Dracula, we’d all be better off if had stayed in its grave.

“Baywatch” is very pretty to look at. Everyone on screen, with one exception, is a hard-bodied stud or a well-built beauty. Clothing is perfectly fitted and as small as possible most of the time. Male abs and pecs are on display for well over half the film. Tans are deep and perfectly even. Women’s breasts are squeezed together so they yell “Look at ME!” in swimsuits and evening wear. If the writers had worked half as hard at the story and script as the costumers did there might be a pretty good movie here. Sadly what we have is a few laughs that require slogging through a stupid story that probably would have been rejected from the writers of the TV show.

The very likable and enjoyable cast of “Baywatch” is totally wasted by the numerous hoops the ridiculous story makes them jump through. One particularly painful scene (of many) finds Johnson and Efron handling the genitals of a dead man. This scene runs for a very long time and as distasteful as it might sound from the description it’s even worse to watch. Another groaner involves Jon Bass’ Ronnie being asked to create a distraction by doing a dance that looks more like a seizure as a distraction for Priyanka Chopra’s villain. I suppose they thought it would be funny because the slightly overweight guy would look silly doing a sexy dance for the international beauty. HAHA get it? He’s overweight so he’s got to be the funny guy that sacrifices his dignity for some laughs. I truly felt sorry for Bass for having to do the scene.

Despite this particular scene, Bass acquits himself well in a thankless role as the comedic relief in what is supposed to be a comedy. His inability to speak to C.J. in an early scene is very funny. His dignity is once again sacrificed when his twig and berries get stuck in the slats of a beach lounger and C.J. and Mitch try to free him. While this is also a cringe worthy bit, it is actually written pretty well and has some decent laughs.

Priyanka Chopra deserved a better written role. Her character oozes civility when she’s playing nice with the locals but the claws come out when she’s pushed in a very stereotypical depiction of a female villain. Maybe the film was trying to go for some kind of 90’s retro vibe in how it depicted the character but it actually just wasted a very good actress in a poorly written part.

Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron are clearly working as hard as they can to wring some life out of the script but only manage make themselves look pretty good. Johnson is a bright beacon of fair in a storm of awful. Efron plays the thoroughly unlikeable Brody as well as can be expected considering the script. His redemption doesn’t feel authentic (like most of the rest of the movie) but he does the best he can.

The best part of the film is the opening 20 minutes as we get introduced to the characters. Most of the good writing apparently was done for this section. The dialog is fairly snappy and most of the jokes work. It doesn’t waste any time and delivers on what the trailer suggested might happen: The audience would laugh. Once the story (such as it is) gets into full gear it is pretty much downhill from there.

“Baywatch” is rated R for language throughout, crude sexual content, and graphic nudity. There are various dirty jokes in the film. Fairly typical stuff you’ve seen before. Aside from the aforementioned dead guy genital handling we see a man’s erection standing up in his swimsuit. We also see his erection and testicles also through his swimsuit. There is also a small amount of gore including a victim of a shark bite and an arm blown off in an explosion. Foul language is common throughout.

Original “Baywatch” cast members David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson make very brief cameos in the film. If you truly love the original show this might be a reason to see the film. For everyone else there’s no need as the movie “Baywatch” is a spliced together mess that is not worth your time or money. Save your cash for an actual beach trip where you’ll likely have more fun than seeing this movie.

“Baywatch” gets two stars out of five.

This week a couple of precocious kids create a superhero while a DC Comics legend finally gets her own film. I’ll see and review at least one of the following:

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie—

Wonder Woman—

Follow me on Twitter @moviemanstan and send emails to stanthemovieman@comcast.net.

Reviews of “The Secret Life of Pets” and “Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates”

The Secret Life of Pets

A terrier named Max (voiced by Louis C.K.) has an idyllic life with his owner Katie (voiced by Ellie Kemper) in her apartment in New York City. Everything is perfect until a big, brown, shaggy dog named Duke (voiced by Eric Stonestreet) is rescued by Katie. Max and Duke don’t get along well and Katie leaves for work Max wrecks the apartment thinking Katie will blame Duke. The dog walker takes Max, Duke, a pug named Mel (voiced by Bobby Moynihan), a dachshund named Buddy (voiced by Hannibal Buress) and more pets from the building to the park where Duke grabs Max’s leash and drags him deep into the city. In an alley, the two are confronted by a gang of feral cats led by Ozone (voiced by Steve Coogan) and have their collars and ID tags taken from them. Max and Duke manage to escape the cats but are picked up by animal control officers. Duke tells Max if he goes back to the pound, where Katie adopted him, he will be put down. On the ride to the pound a bunny rabbit named Snowball (voiced by Kevin Hart) is spotted by the officers and they stop to pick him up. They don’t realize it’s a trap as the human-hating Snowball leads a pack of discarded animals of all kinds he calls the Flushed Pets. Snowball, a tattooed pig named Tattoo (voiced by Michael Beattie) and a chameleon attack the driver and cause the animal control truck to crash. Snowball frees a muzzled bulldog that’s part of his gang but plans on leaving Max and Duke behind. Max convinces Snowball they hate humans as much as he does even claiming they killed their owners. Snowball frees the two dogs and takes them into the sewers where all the other Flushed Pets live with Snowball as their leader. Meanwhile, a fluffy Pomeranian named Gidget (voiced by Jenny Slate) that lives across the street from Max and Duke and harbors a secret love for the terrier notices she hasn’t seen the object of her affection for a while and is worried something might have happened to him. She heads to the roof and enlists the aid of a caged hawk named Tiberius (voiced by Albert Brooks). Initially intending to eat Gidget, Tiberius is talked into helping her look for Max. Eventually, she gets Buddy and Mel to join them along with a cat named Chloe (voiced by Lake Bell), Norman the guinea pig (voiced by Chris Renaud) and a parakeet named Sweet Pea (chirps and whistles by Tara Strong) and the adventure begins to bring Max and Duke home.

If you dread taking your children to see “The Secret Life of Pets” because it’s yet another kids movie, don’t worry. The movie knows the only way the target audience sees the film is if a parent provides the ride and the admission fee. The filmmakers have put more than enough humor and action into this animated tale of enemies going on an adventure and becoming friends in adversity to keep the both parents and the children entertained. You’ve seen this story before (perhaps even done better) but the performances from a large cast of talented voice actors and a peppy plot make it worth watching again.

Louis C.K. is not known for his family friendly fare but here he seems to be the perfect choice to voice Max. Sounding at times both like a seasoned New Yorker and a big-eyed explorer seeing the sights for the first time, Louis C.K. brings both a maturity and a sense of wonder to his role. Max is a less than perfect hero in the story, sometimes behaving like a bully toward his new roommate Duke then acting as a big brother or mentor. As seen in his FX show and his standup specials, Louis C.K. is also a person with similar traits and flaws. It seems to the script writers tailored Max to the kind of person the actor is and it works to strengthen the character.

The squeaky voice of Jenny Slate is perfect for the fluff ball of Gidget the Pomeranian. Gidget is both childlike and on the edge of kicking ass depending on what the situation calls for. The stress of looking for Max, her secret love, brings out the wolf in the lap dog and she proves to be much more of an alpha than any of the other dogs in her pack of friends. It is a performance that bursts from the screen in surprising ways.

The true star of the show, though in a smaller, supporting role, is Kevin Hart as the militant bunny Snowball. Hart’s character, machine gun riffs and ridiculous asides almost require Illumination Entertainment to create a spinoff film to explain how Snowball became the leader of the Flushed Pets. It is a story that would likely be filled with more of the character’s easily excitable personality. It could even be turned into some kind of “Escape from Alcatraz” type of story with the Humane Society shelter led by an evil human selling the strays for animal research and Snowball gaining the trust and loyalty of the other animals and staging a massive break out. Transforming Hart’s Snowball from a meek and timid bunny into the fearless leader of the Flushed Pets could be a very funny and exciting story. His character in “The Secret Life of Pets” makes a strong impression every time he’s on screen and I personally would like to see more of him.

The look of the film is amazing with some thrilling camera work that introduces the film. The audience is flown over and through the digitally reimagined New York as we swoop through the skyscrapers and the trees of Central Park. It’s equally impressive when we go underground into the lair of the Flushed Pets. The dank, decrepit surroundings practically make you feel damp and musty. The various settings are designed to add to the mood the story is trying to convey and it works well.

If the movie has a weakness it is the story. It isn’t terribly well fleshed out. The comradery between Max and Duke feels like it develops too quickly and isn’t earned. Perhaps this is a reflection of how animals don’t hold grudges and are quickly forgiving of mistakes and slights; but I believe it is more of a desire by the filmmakers to work in more action and keep the film at a tight 90 minutes. There is little wasted time in “The Secret Life of Pets” but making the story more complete wouldn’t be considered a waste of time.

“The Secret Life of Pets” is rated PG for action and some rude humor. There are chases, a couple of car wrecks, some fights between the animals and the animal control officers and a couple of near drownings. If your child becomes easily upset at such things be forewarned. The rude humor is very mild and consists of a few comments most children won’t understand, the sight of a Chihuahua urinating from excitement at seeing its owner come home and when Snowball drops a few pellets. There is no foul language.

“The Secret Life of Pets” has been compared to “Toy Story” for its story of enemies becoming friends and working to be reunited with the one they love. It is an apt comparison but to be honest, “Toy Story” did the whole separated and reunited thing a great deal better. That’s not to say “The Secret Life of Pets” is not worth watching as the strong group of characters, great voice acting and a great deal of humor and action make the movie fun and entertaining in its own way. Just don’t expect to roll a tear or two at the end.

“The Secret Life of Pets” gets five stars.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

Mike and Dave Stangle (Adam DeVine and Zac Efron) are always the life of the party. They are often the death of it as well. Their antics and over-the-top flirting have turned many of their family gatherings into disasters with actual property damage. Their father Burt (Stephen Root) insists on the boys finding dates for their sister’s wedding in Hawaii to avoid turning that into another catastrophe. Being young men in the Internet age, they put an ad on Craigslist and it quickly goes viral with the boys appearing on the Wendy Williams Show. Tatiana and Alice (Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick), a couple of recently fired cocktail waitresses and party girls, see the Stangle’s on the show and they plot to meet them. Pretending to be hit by a car as the Stangle’s leave a bar, Tatiana is tended to by Mike who applies one puff of artificial respiration and “revives” her. After the excitement of the accident, the boys get to know the girls better. Tatiana claims to be a school teacher while Alice says she’s a hedge fund manager. Both Mike and Dave believe everything they say and quickly invite them to the wedding where the girls quickly show they are not the mild and refined young women they claimed to be.

There’s a fair amount more to the story of “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” that occurs after the meet cute of the first 10 minutes. It becomes a tale of immaturity, fear of commitment, jealousy, wedding jitters and more. While none of it is terribly deep or meaningful, the movie does manage to wring a deal of humor out of a light and airy premise. It helps to have two charismatic leading men and two sexy and funny leading women plus a cast of talented actors with comedic chops in supporting roles.

Adam DeVine and Zac Efron are perfectly cast as the out of control brothers. Each has a comic energy that is fed by the other making for a duo that is unstoppable. Efron and DeVine should probably plan on working in films together for at least the next decade. Whether they are cast as the closest of friends or the most bitter of enemies, these two seem to be more than able to generate laughs in any situation. While DeVine is clearly the more manic of the two, Efron can more than hold his own.

Pairing them with Plaza and Kendrick merely amplifies the funny as their characters share similarly outsized personalities. While both are party girls, Tatiana is wilder and kind of the brains of the operation. Alice is more childlike and innocent…or at least as innocent as a hard-drinking, drug-taking girl can be. Their efforts at deception are pretty much abandoned once they reach Hawaii and the girls live it up on Mike and Dave’s dime. Plaza and Kendrick make an equally powerful comedic duo and much of the humor in the film is derived from them and their interactions with each other, the brothers and the soon to be married Jeanie Stangle, played to perfection by Stephanie Beard.

The supporting cast turns the time in Hawaii into a truly hilarious experience. There are too many funny bits to recount here; however, I probably laughed the most during a scene where Jeanie is given a “special” massage by a massage therapist named Keanu played by Kumail Nanjiani. Slipped some extra money by Alice, Keanu provides perhaps the funniest massage in cinema history. It also proves to be kind of a turning point in the film and sets in motion a great many plot points that all come to a head later.

The movie is filled with very funny bits of business that are brief but still cause a laugh. These often build on one another until the film delivers a big laugh to end the scene. It is probably a formula that all comedies employ but “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” do a better job than most.

Like “The Secret Life of Pets,” “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” comes up a bit short in the story department and for oddly similar reasons. Much of the redemption found by characters late in the film doesn’t feel earned or legitimate. I don’t want to give away the ending but it won’t surprise anyone that everything works out. This is the kind of film that doesn’t want to challenge your notions of the “Happy Ending” and makes sure all slights are forgiven and all relationships are solid by the time the credits roll. It could have left a few things up in the air or a couple still broken up by the end but I suppose they didn’t want to break any of the romantic comedy rules this film lives by. Fortunately, the laughs more than make up for the predictable story.

“Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” is rated R for crude sexual content, language throughout, drug use and some graphic nudity. There are discussions of various sex acts in parts of the film. The crude names of porno movies are also said out loud during one scene. We see the ladies smoke pot a couple of times as well as a scene where Ecstasy is taken with somewhat disastrous results. We see a nude man in profile for a lengthy period of time. We see a naked breast during a fight scene and full frontal nudity of one of the female characters. Foul language is common throughout the film.

While “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” breaks no new storytelling ground it does provide a huge number of laughs. That seems to be especially well timed considering everything that is getting the most attention in the news. While the movie has not exactly been a darling with the critics it did provide me with a great deal of entertainment practically from the time it started to deep into the credits where some outtakes were shown. It may not be art but it is funny and sometimes that’s enough.

“Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates” gets five stars.

This week your choices include some ladies who ain’t afraid of no ghosts and a fearless undercover drug agent. I’ll see and review at least one of the following:

Ghostbusters—

The Infiltrator—

Follow me on Twitter @moviemanstan and send emails to stanthemovieman@comcast.net.